It had been an interesting evening with the medium. She opened my eyes to possibilities beyond the physical world.
As the session wound down, I said “I never told my parents that I’m gay.” She told me she knew I was gay and added “Your parents knew. They knew.”
I had a hunch my mom knew. But I was never sure about dad. They were hardworking, conservative parents steeped in Chinese culture. Dad had a more western education. They never asked me about girl friends or marriage. I played the role of the filial son while they were the dutiful parents. It was our unspoken pact.
For many years, I’ve struggled with this guilt. I also feel that I’m letting down the broader gay community by not being fully out. It’s an odd and illogical way of thinking. A gay friend told me each of us have our own journey. What worked for him and others doesn’t apply to me. Yet, when I meet gay men who are out, I just have this feeling of inadequacy. I didn’t have your courage. I wonder where my journey will lead me. But it seems a bit lighter now.