This is the first time I’ve seen his work and I really enjoyed it. Take a break for about 6 minutes and enjoy. I think I need to spend more time on the internet to keep up with things.
This is from his blog.
“First off, thank you (again) to everyone who has posted the set or reached out to say all those nice things about my set, my arms and/or my skin (the latter of which is now completely destroyed, btw). It was a completely amazing, surreal experience and one I have not quite convinced myself I deserved. Since I found out I’d be doing it, I’ve cried several places (bunk beds, hotel rooms, airports) not out of happiness, but out of complete and utter fear. Fear that I wasn’t ready, fear that everyone would be mad at me and most of all fear that I did not deserve this immense five minute honor. What a fucking idiot.
I hate to use that sticky internet phrase “imposter syndrome,” because it’s the kind of reference I would normally invoke ironically in that sort of post-comedy, new-Millennial way that is so pervasive on my social media accounts. But this whole week, I did truly feel like an imposter.
And of course I work my ass off. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am, I’m a funny boy whose charisma on stage makes up for those few holes in my set that are more about personality than joke writing and I know all that, I don’t need any back patting here to assure me that all those thoughts are insane. But my lizard brain keeps whispering, “you are not white, you are not straight, you were not forged in the fires of Chicago open mics for ten years before the industry took notice of you, in fact they only want you because you’re a minority, not because you’re funny or original or groundbreaking or alt or cool.”
(as though any of those things are mutually exclusive, but whatever).
It’s not as though those dark thoughts sprung up out of nowhere either, versions of that little subconscious speech have been spoken aloud by plenty of people to or around me, sometimes even by people I respect! But you know, like everyone else who’s heard a different version of the “you only got that because you’re [gay]” speech, you either quit or say “fuck you I’m here, I’m [queer], not a single person is owed anything by this industry, no one ‘deserves’ shit, we all just work and work and fucking work and if it works out it does and if not you decide if you want to keep working, it’s all random and meaningless and the only thing that matters is the work, get used to it.”
That’s the funny thing too. I’ve spent my entire career trying to prove that I’m funny despite being gay. Running full speed away from the “gay comic” label because I was afraid if people said that about me it somehow ghettoized me away from the regular comics and the kinds of opportunities they got. That it would always hang over accomplishments like this.
But, at the risk of sounding -very- self congratulatory here, I am a gay comic and being on late night television, doing my gay fucking bits was a big fucking deal to a lot of people who don’t get to see faggots like me talk about faggoty shit on tv since Looking went off the air (oops there were no asian fags on that show, but I don’t have time). People like Matteo and Guy and Solomon and Gabe and John and James (all of us VERY different I might add) and everyone else who’s ever gotten on TV and had the chance to have an audience of thousands, that’s fucking cool and important to kids like me who grew up in Plainfield IL and didn’t see gay people on TV. So yeah, I’m going to own that and I’m going to take pride in that. And if you think I got there BECAUSE of that, well ok that’s fine, I still got paid, I’m still on TV and I’m sure whatever you’re doing is pretty cool too, but you sound like a miserable fuck.
This is already insanely long and like, how obnoxious of me to think anyone wants to hear me dump all the emotions I’ve been feeling over the last few days onto the internet, but at this point I feel like you know what you’re getting by being here.
Anyway, I’m mostly posting this version of the clip because it has the intro and outro and all these fucking Youtube commenters (don’t tell me not to read them like you wouldn’t) are saying shit like “notice Conan didn’t give him a handshake at the end… hmmmmm” like they’ve cracked some fucking code and realized jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams and not that they possibly had to edit it for time.