Throw Back Thursday – sort of…

A few months ago I took home an old photo album from my dad’s house.  I was 8 years old then, full of smiles and laughter.  There was also a pictures of me with a suit and tie, looking so serious.   I had and odd posture for some reason.  In a lot of pictures I lean a bit to the left.  And my head.  It’s so big and out of proportion to my small body.

But I found my mind drifting to another pressing issue. I just want to get away for awhile.  Maybe a long while.  There’s still a lot of life left to live.  That decision will be made for me soon.  It’s scary to think what will happen if I lose my job.  It goes against everything I’ve been taught.  I remember my dad struggling through several jobs, almost all of them low to modest paying because he didn’t have “Canadian” experience.

Those many months he spent job hunting are seared into my memory.  I remember water being turned off at our place and oil not being delivered during winter to fuel our furnace.  He would juggle and balance bills and made sure we were ok.  A bad job is better than no job.  It kept us fed. At night he and my mom would chat about how unfair it was at work and the usual crap he had to put up with.  Stress was part of fatherhood.

So it scares me if I will lose my job.  I have some savings but I know what it is like to be old and not having any financial means.  It warps my perspective.  I don’t have kids to look after me.  I can’t even afford to be a sugar daddy and have some twink(s) look after me.

The job market sucks badly now.  I look at my sister who is an incredibly hard worker, creative, retail experience, buying, logistics, management and incredibly savvy.  But she can’t find anything.  And here I am thinking that things will be ok if I lose my job.  She’s starting to cut back on food now but I won’t let that happen.

So here I am, thinking about my finances – maybe I can hang on for a few more years and keep saving.  But what good is it to work longer when I’m already stressed out?  I’m on meds for various health issues.  Maybe I’m being delusional to think that things will be ok.

I want to laugh and enjoy life like that 8 yr old kid in the photo album.   I still look and act goofy.  Would that 8 yr kid be happy with me now?  I hope I don’t scare that poor kid.  Shit – wait till he finds out he’ll still have a big head.




22 thoughts on “Throw Back Thursday – sort of…

  1. Your post really struck a cord with me. I may not be in immediate danger of losing my job but I want to do something else, and the thought of not finding something adequate later on, is scary. I am already preparing myself mentally for being poor when I get old because I have been out of the national pension scheme since I moved to Singapore and saving has never been my strong side. Maybe we should form a retiree flat of old Xangans in poverty. 🙂

  2. Job worry is probably the most stressful thing in life. And no wonder it’s even more stressful for you given your childhood experience. I can only say to keep looking and setup that search alerts on career websites so that you don’t miss any opportunities. And re having a big head, I was also one of those kids with a huge head so much so that people used to call me Charlie Brown.

    • When I go through my finances, I always feel that no matter how much I save, it’s never going to be enough.

      Btw – when we meet up, we should bring our childhood pics and compare. I still look out of proportion whereas you look perfectly fine. 🙂

      • I know how you feel about saving. Especially with the no children to take care of me factor.

        Re photo, sounds like a fun idea. From our brief encounter I don’t recall you looking out of proportion!

  3. A big decision will be made for you soon?

    Any way you can move to a cheaper area? I have no idea about your finances, but I guess if you can reduce your expenses somehow, without having to let go of the enjoyable things in life, may make the picture seem less bleak. I’m only talking candidly, because I just wanted to throw some words out there – it probably isn’t any help.

    Maybe a job that you’re actually totally overqualified for, but at least pays something, is in order. Any job seems to be way less stressful than what you have now.

    I’m really cheering for you, Matt. I really want you to be happy.

    • Hmm… you wrote this pretty late. You should be in bed and dreaming about food, books and cute guys.

      Thank you for the suggestions and cheering for me. It’s always appreciated. I haven’t seen any decent jobs so far but then again, I haven’t been really scouring. Getting a job that I am overqualified for but lower paying is something I’ve thought of. As long as it’s less stress and I can be happy then it should be ok. I’m not an extravagant spender (ok – maybe books and camera stuff). But if I get canned, I want to take a bit of time to travel.

  4. I’m in the process of my job search too, but i haven’t applied to anything. it’s ridiculous, isn’t it? the amount of time spent worrying about careers. I didn’t think adulthood would be this depressing 😦 you’re not alone, hang in there and keep pushing. My thoughts are with your sister too, cutting down food?! nooo 😦

  5. Aw. Worries about jobs, finances, the future are so scary. 😦
    I wish you didn’t have to be burdened by any of these, Matt.
    You are not alone in these (and other) worries/concerns. We live in a tough world.
    Well, I will continue to root for you…I hope you can either keep your job or find an even better one.
    And make time for the precious little boy (in you) to play and have some fun.
    I have relatives with Big Hat Sizes (they prefer that to Big Head 😉 ) I always say it is a sign of a big intelligent brain!
    Hang in there HUGS!!! 🙂

  6. You are a very smart and talented guy Matt. Give yourself some credit and do not be afraid of taking a chance. You might well be truly amazed at where it leads you.

  7. I can totally relate to how you feel. That’s been on my mind a lot, but there’s good opportunities out there for everyone. It’s just timing. I hope you can find something awesome soon. Hang in there!

  8. Hey there. I saw in my notifications that you’ve followed my blog and here I am, paying your blog a visit.
    Your post really made me think about life and career, and how stressful that can be at times. I’ve been working in the same company for almost 8 years already. Sometimes I feel like there’s very little room for improvement here and I wanna do something for a change. But it has always been my safety net and I feel so scared to get back out there hunting again. Taking risks is never really my strong suit and that’s how I am still here. 😀 But you know what? I read in one of your comments that you want to take time to travel and I do think it’s a good idea. Have you ever thought about working abroad, too? Maybe, in Asia? I know it’s not easy to move to another country (or continent) and leave everything behind, but knowing that you have other options will probably make you feel hopeful. 🙂
    Meanwhile, I wish you all the best and I really hope you find something you like very soon.

    • Hi – thanks for dropping in and for the best wishes. It’s very much appreciated. I haven’t considered working in Asia (language challenge) but if the situation is right, I would consider it.

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