A few months ago I took home an old photo album from my dad’s house. I was 8 years old then, full of smiles and laughter. There was also a pictures of me with a suit and tie, looking so serious. I had and odd posture for some reason. In a lot of pictures I lean a bit to the left. And my head. It’s so big and out of proportion to my small body.
But I found my mind drifting to another pressing issue. I just want to get away for awhile. Maybe a long while. There’s still a lot of life left to live. That decision will be made for me soon. It’s scary to think what will happen if I lose my job. It goes against everything I’ve been taught. I remember my dad struggling through several jobs, almost all of them low to modest paying because he didn’t have “Canadian” experience.
Those many months he spent job hunting are seared into my memory. I remember water being turned off at our place and oil not being delivered during winter to fuel our furnace. He would juggle and balance bills and made sure we were ok. A bad job is better than no job. It kept us fed. At night he and my mom would chat about how unfair it was at work and the usual crap he had to put up with. Stress was part of fatherhood.
So it scares me if I will lose my job. I have some savings but I know what it is like to be old and not having any financial means. It warps my perspective. I don’t have kids to look after me. I can’t even afford to be a sugar daddy and have some twink(s) look after me.
The job market sucks badly now. I look at my sister who is an incredibly hard worker, creative, retail experience, buying, logistics, management and incredibly savvy. But she can’t find anything. And here I am thinking that things will be ok if I lose my job. She’s starting to cut back on food now but I won’t let that happen.
So here I am, thinking about my finances – maybe I can hang on for a few more years and keep saving. But what good is it to work longer when I’m already stressed out? I’m on meds for various health issues. Maybe I’m being delusional to think that things will be ok.
I want to laugh and enjoy life like that 8 yr old kid in the photo album. I still look and act goofy. Would that 8 yr kid be happy with me now? I hope I don’t scare that poor kid. Shit – wait till he finds out he’ll still have a big head.