Pandering Myself with a Panda

I watched a cartoon show called Kung Fu Panda last week w/ J.  It was one of those Saturdays where we weren’t really doing anything.  It’s a silly cartoon show but we just laughed like we were kids again.  The next day I was by myself and it came on again.  So I watched it.  I felt a bit guilty because I should have been doing some chores.

This weekend, the movie Kung Fu Panda 3 came out.  We thought about going to it but probably would be the only 2 adults together.  I asked J if he could call his sister so we could borrow his nephew or niece to come out with us.

Damn, I wish I was a kid again.  It seems easier now than before.  Well, maybe not.




Rock Me Gently

Some sleep related things about me that you may not know about.

  1.  I wear a night guard because I grind / clench my teeth.  I’m in the process of replacing my current night guard (2 yrs old) because it has a crack in it.
  2.  I have a tough time with pillows.  My old pillows were perfect for me.  They supported my neck just right.  I got new pillows a couple of years ago and I still have problems with it.
  3. I’m pretty sure I drool in my sleep.  I snore too.  I don’t think I talk when I’m asleep.
  4. I usually sleep on my stomach first, then to my right side and sometimes to my back.  I rarely start my sleep on my back.
  5. I’m a light sleeper in my house but my brain filters out the sirens and traffic noise.
  6. I like my bedroom cool.  But I cannot stand any cold AC blowing on me when I sleep.  When I was in traveling in Taiwan, I had to drape a tshirt over my head to stay warm.
  7. No matter how hot it is, I usually like to have a blanket – even if it is just a sheet.
  8. Sometimes I sleep with the lights on.  If my Teddy Bear was still around, he would stay on guard duty.
  9.  There are times when I find scratches on my body when I wake up.  Sometimes the pillows are on the floor and the blankets are all messed up.
  10. Years ago, our family had a cat and it would sometimes sleep with me at night.  She would just walk over me and slept on my legs.  After she passed away, I could still feel the her sleeping on my legs.  It happened for a couple of weeks and then she finally left.


I’ve been carving out a bit of time every week to do file away a lot of papers (receipts, statements, work files, pay stubs etc…) that have been stuffed into boxes.  I think I’ve thrown away about 2 feet of paper today.  I found some important papers that I have to carefully store.  There were old pay stubs, pictures, letters, pens, pencils, decayed rubber bands, old batteries, tube of lube which hasn’t dried up yet, old condoms (why did I store that with my old paystubs?) and annual reports. There were also notes from my dad attached to various clippings he thought would be useful for me.  There were some Chinese writings from my mom on scraps of paper (order for food) – I can’t throw that out.  It’s like an archaeological dig.   So once I get these organized, I can figure out what I really need to keep and what to throw out.

Other than that, I’ve been busy booking appointments for dentist, optometrist etc… I want to use up as much of my benefits as possible.  My mood swings regularly from high anxiety to a zen like calm.


A Bit of Lipstick Might Help

It feels weird to feel discarded by my company.  I went from being very busy to having nothing to do. Ironically, I received a small recognition from work this week.  It came with a bit of money.   It’s not big money but every bit will help.  I use the free time to work on my resume.  I’ve done one which I can use for applying jobs internally.  The external one(s) is a mess.  Despite working on and off on it for a few months, it’s still a disaster.

My colleague said his first draft was about 5 pages.  I’m going to keep mine to 1 to 2 pages at the most.  What’s challenging is writing about myself.  I’m not one to brag about myself.  Whatever accomplishments I’ve had, I know they are the result of other people helping.

A few weeks ago, I looked at an ex colleague’s LinkedIn and couldn’t believe the bs she wrote.  I trained her and she left when it became clear she couldn’t handle the job.  But you won’t know it from looking at her LinkedIn profile.  The only fact was her job title. I found another ex colleague’s LinkedIn profile.  How the heck does he get away with writing such fiction?  He’s got an MBA now.  I have no idea if he was just lying, exaggerating or delusional about his accomplishments and responsibilities.

I know I have to brag a bit about myself and sell myself.  I like to quietly put myself in front of others, chat a bit, gain their trust and let my accomplishments do the talking.   But that’s not going to happen in today’s world.

So I’m gonna put on some lipstick, shave my legs, chest and other unsightly areas, suck in my gut and slut it up.  It’s kinda like getting ready for Pride.  Sigh.

The First Step

I’ve been formally told to look for a job internally as my position has been eliminated.  There’s a timeline that I need to do this by.  I have not been told what happens if I can’t find a job internally.  I was strangely calm when I found out the news.  I’ve already been looking internally but haven’t found anything.

I saw one position and the hiring manager was clear that the job wasn’t 9 to 5.  The candidate needs to spend time with the client off hours (breakfast meetings, lunches, after work meetings, attending client events…).  There were other jobs that I thought I could do but it requires me to be on call.  I’ve done that before and have missed sleep and personal time.  Part of this is due to the field I work in.  When you support critical IT systems and project, it’s really a 7/24 job.

If I can’t find a job internally by the deadline then that’s it.  I need a change anyways.  I had a good run with this company.  It’s time to move on to something different and focus on my health.   I’m worried financially but I’ll find ways to adjust.  I’m also going to stay positive and optimistic.

I guess I won’t have to write about work life balance issues anymore.  How’s everyone doing so far this year?




No Sun on Sunday?

It didn’t take long to think up a name for this blog.  It’s called NocturnalTwins because I’m a Gemini (twins) and I have insomnia (nocturnal).

My sleeping patterns continue to be a challenge.  I woke up yesterday around 8:30 AM, got my morning paper and read a bit.  Then I went back to bed and the next thing I knew it past noon.  I don’t think I’ve ever slept in that late before. That night I had dinner with J.  Throughout the evening, I was yawning like crazy.

I got home around 10:30PM  and was in bed by 11:00PM.  Of course I couldn’t sleep until well after midnight.  I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the day.  It was still pretty dark and I figured I could grab a quick morning walk.  I took a look at my phone and it was only 4:00AM.

Confused, I tried to get back to sleep but it was useless.  After tossing and turning for awhile, I walked to my desk and grabbed my laptop and took it back with me to my bed. When dawn broke, I peeked out the window and it was raining hard.  I crawled back into bed.  I think I’ll just stay here until the sun comes out.


Throw Back Thursday – sort of…

A few months ago I took home an old photo album from my dad’s house.  I was 8 years old then, full of smiles and laughter.  There was also a pictures of me with a suit and tie, looking so serious.   I had and odd posture for some reason.  In a lot of pictures I lean a bit to the left.  And my head.  It’s so big and out of proportion to my small body.

But I found my mind drifting to another pressing issue. I just want to get away for awhile.  Maybe a long while.  There’s still a lot of life left to live.  That decision will be made for me soon.  It’s scary to think what will happen if I lose my job.  It goes against everything I’ve been taught.  I remember my dad struggling through several jobs, almost all of them low to modest paying because he didn’t have “Canadian” experience.

Those many months he spent job hunting are seared into my memory.  I remember water being turned off at our place and oil not being delivered during winter to fuel our furnace.  He would juggle and balance bills and made sure we were ok.  A bad job is better than no job.  It kept us fed. At night he and my mom would chat about how unfair it was at work and the usual crap he had to put up with.  Stress was part of fatherhood.

So it scares me if I will lose my job.  I have some savings but I know what it is like to be old and not having any financial means.  It warps my perspective.  I don’t have kids to look after me.  I can’t even afford to be a sugar daddy and have some twink(s) look after me.

The job market sucks badly now.  I look at my sister who is an incredibly hard worker, creative, retail experience, buying, logistics, management and incredibly savvy.  But she can’t find anything.  And here I am thinking that things will be ok if I lose my job.  She’s starting to cut back on food now but I won’t let that happen.

So here I am, thinking about my finances – maybe I can hang on for a few more years and keep saving.  But what good is it to work longer when I’m already stressed out?  I’m on meds for various health issues.  Maybe I’m being delusional to think that things will be ok.

I want to laugh and enjoy life like that 8 yr old kid in the photo album.   I still look and act goofy.  Would that 8 yr kid be happy with me now?  I hope I don’t scare that poor kid.  Shit – wait till he finds out he’ll still have a big head.