Brain Dump

I feel lost.

Work is well, just a means of paying my bills.  Some of my colleagues who used to be my peers or juniors have now vaulted past me in the corporate ladder.  I never harboured any thoughts of becoming an exec or anything like that.  I stumbled on my career by accident and made the most out of it.  I suppose I should be happy for my colleagues.  Some of them even reported to me in my previous role.  I’ve been thinking about leaving the corporate world and finding a simple 9 to 5 job.  I don’t have the hunger or passion of working 60+  hr weeks, being on call to get further ahead.  A simple job that I can leave work at work, pay my bills, travel a bit and save a bit.  There’s still more cuts to come.  Some that have been let go were really good people.  No one really understands why – aside from improving the bottom line of course.

I went to a funeral yesterday.  My colleague’s mom passed away and I wanted to pay my respect.  What I didn’t expect was to see him smiling, joking and greeting everyone.  Then I remembered I was like that too at my both of my parent’s funeral.  It’s a coping mechanism or maybe it’s a role that I’ve learned.  Just stay happy on the outside so people will feel comfortable.  But the constant reminder that life is fragile, we only have this life to live has been keeping my mind preoccupied.  Am I really being the best I could be?  Am I really fulfilling all my potential?

It’s past midnight.  I hope by dumping all of this here, I will sleep well.


15 thoughts on “Brain Dump

  1. I have a close friend who went to a great college, got an amazing job in the corporate world, and didn’t feel fulfilled. She quit her job, moved to Thailand for a year to teach English and now she works for non-profit. I have several friends that left the corporate world and have ventured off to other things in life. Perhaps this is the time for you to venture off to something even better.

    Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed with life or not having that great of a day I just like to tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day. Hope yours get better and I believe things will fall into it’s own place for you. I wrote a blog post recently about my current experience with my career. Perhaps maybe that’ll be a little inspiring.

  2. I can relate to the sentiments you express about work. I am more and more thinking what it is that I enjoy doing and that would still pay the bills. The corporate world has become a rat race more than ever before.

  3. I was thinking earlier today too what a career is about. The everyday drudgery includes office politics, tiring projects, bureaucratic red tape, paperwork, etc. I want to do something impactful for the world, but I don’t know how to begin or if it’s even possible.

    I think you have to put in the time for things that aren’t not fun in order to get what you want from your position. But if you don’t have that end goal, no point committing to the mundane tasks to that end.

    • Maybe you should do some interest interviews or informational interview with companies or organizations that you might want to work with.

      Most companies will have all those issues that you mentioned. It’ll be how well you can adjust, adapt and tolerate them.

  4. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way, on the one hand. The other hand is that I am also cheering you on, and am happy that you have even considered leaving for a 9 to 5 job – that you even mentioned that. That’s something. Maybe that moment where you have a more clear idea of what you want to do, that moment where you are even closer to taking a step towards something, hasn’t come just yet, but it may come soon and that’ll mean you’ll do something to change your circumstances for the better.

  5. I hope the brain dump helped, Matt. Sometimes getting it all out “on paper” helps to process everything and to let go of some things.
    The fact that you are asking yourself those questions is excellent. All of us should challenge ourselves to answering those questions from time to time.
    Life is fragile AND short…so we must find the joys each day…and keep reaching for our goals.
    Hope things fall into place as you want them to. I’m rooting for you!

  6. yeah. i feel the same way as sheldon. 60+ hours? i had no idea. you certainly are stronger than you think. not many people could do what you do day in day out. i do hope you got a good rest after posting this.

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