I feel lost.
Work is well, just a means of paying my bills. Some of my colleagues who used to be my peers or juniors have now vaulted past me in the corporate ladder. I never harboured any thoughts of becoming an exec or anything like that. I stumbled on my career by accident and made the most out of it. I suppose I should be happy for my colleagues. Some of them even reported to me in my previous role. I’ve been thinking about leaving the corporate world and finding a simple 9 to 5 job. I don’t have the hunger or passion of working 60+ hr weeks, being on call to get further ahead. A simple job that I can leave work at work, pay my bills, travel a bit and save a bit. There’s still more cuts to come. Some that have been let go were really good people. No one really understands why – aside from improving the bottom line of course.
I went to a funeral yesterday. My colleague’s mom passed away and I wanted to pay my respect. What I didn’t expect was to see him smiling, joking and greeting everyone. Then I remembered I was like that too at my both of my parent’s funeral. It’s a coping mechanism or maybe it’s a role that I’ve learned. Just stay happy on the outside so people will feel comfortable. But the constant reminder that life is fragile, we only have this life to live has been keeping my mind preoccupied. Am I really being the best I could be? Am I really fulfilling all my potential?
It’s past midnight. I hope by dumping all of this here, I will sleep well.