I went out for a walk after work. It was around 6:30, the sidewalk was busy with people. The sun was still bright and I could still feel the gentle warmth of its rays. Across the sky, the moon was already out, glowing demurely and quietly waiting for her turn to shine. I heard fragments of conversations as people walked by. But I like to think one of them sounded like this.
“I love this time of year, we have a lot more time together.”
“I wish it was like this all the time. That was a long winter. These long summer days are wonderful. It’s the only time of the year when I can linger and play with you. The days are lonely without you.”
“The nights are lonely without you too. The mornings are so rushed, we rarely have any time together. You must have had another good day, I see so many buds and flowers ready to bloom.”
“A couple more weeks and a lot of the flowers be in full bloom. Then people will start complaining about the heat and blame me for getting skin cancer.”
“I know, humans are so fickle. They blame me for their lunacy. Only the artists appreciate me.”
“Let’s just enjoy the next couple of hours together. I’ll dazzle you with an amazing colours tonight before I leave.”
“Good, I’ll need the inspiration. I have quite a few insomniacs to keep company every night.”
I woke up in the middle of the night and something didn’t feel right. It felt like I was sleeping on top of someone. I barely had enough strength to open my eyes. The light was still on and I was still in a dreamy state. I was sleeping on my right side, but had practically almost rolled over on my stomach. I opened my eyes again and could see a hand poking out from the blanket. Was I sleeping on J? I don’t remember him staying over. Maybe it was my arm. I moved my left arm up to my face. I then started to move my right arm. I felt my right arm wiggle and move but the hand in front of me wasn’t moving. Whose arm was it?
WTF – I practically leapt up from my bed and saw that it was indeed my arm. It took awhile to calm myself down and go back to sleep.
It’s really strange. Some mornings, I wake up with the bed sheets pulled out. I should tape myself sleeping and see what is going on.
I feel lost.
Work is well, just a means of paying my bills. Some of my colleagues who used to be my peers or juniors have now vaulted past me in the corporate ladder. I never harboured any thoughts of becoming an exec or anything like that. I stumbled on my career by accident and made the most out of it. I suppose I should be happy for my colleagues. Some of them even reported to me in my previous role. I’ve been thinking about leaving the corporate world and finding a simple 9 to 5 job. I don’t have the hunger or passion of working 60+ hr weeks, being on call to get further ahead. A simple job that I can leave work at work, pay my bills, travel a bit and save a bit. There’s still more cuts to come. Some that have been let go were really good people. No one really understands why – aside from improving the bottom line of course.
I went to a funeral yesterday. My colleague’s mom passed away and I wanted to pay my respect. What I didn’t expect was to see him smiling, joking and greeting everyone. Then I remembered I was like that too at my both of my parent’s funeral. It’s a coping mechanism or maybe it’s a role that I’ve learned. Just stay happy on the outside so people will feel comfortable. But the constant reminder that life is fragile, we only have this life to live has been keeping my mind preoccupied. Am I really being the best I could be? Am I really fulfilling all my potential?
It’s past midnight. I hope by dumping all of this here, I will sleep well.
My procedure went smoothly. I am so relieved. I spent 13 hrs at the hospital. The actual procedure took about an hour. The doctor was pleased that everything went well. I was able to go home that night. I have to take it easy for a few days and then be very careful the next few weeks. When the nurse warned me not to do any strenuous activity in the next few weeks, my brother quipped “You don’t have to worry about that.” My sister stayed with me the whole time. J came down too. He patted my thing and told me he wanted to make sure they didn’t cut it off.
But the long wait was tough. I had to lie still for several hours after the procedure if I had any chance of leaving that night. The bed wasn’t that comfortable. While I was lying there, they came around with dinner. It was just a slice of processed cheese on some bread with a fruit cup and some drinks. I was under strict orders not to have any food or drinks after midnight. I had a extra serving of food after dinner which I would regret afterwards. But my sis got me some yogurt and ice water. It was tough eating as I my body couldn’t be raised more than 30 degrees. After an eternity, I was finally given the ok to stand up and walk. Even though I didn’t have much to drink, I peed like crazy. I guess that IV bag did keep me hydrated.
So many people came, poked and prodded me. I only had those hospital gowns to wear. They do nothing for your dignity. In fact, I can’t recall the last time so many people saw my thing. My thing was mortified because he doesn’t like strangers. I told him to just hang out, stretch but don’t get excited. But he decided to “retreat”. Not manly at all.
When I got home, I wolfed down some soup and pasta. Then my tummy acted up. I rushed to the can as it unloaded. If that had happened at the hospital during my lie still phase, I would had to use the bedpan and I’m sure it would have overflowed. I think all the stress and tension just made my stomach too nervous.
Today was just a day of rest. I actually read both of my newspapers. Tomorrow will be the same.
Thanks to all of you who gave me support, encouragement, kept me in your thoughts and prayers and listened (I mean read) all my posts about this procedure. The doctors assured me there is a very high rate of success.
The only thing is I picked up a sore throat and it feels like a virus of some sort. Ugh.