I found out the other day that my god father passed away in 2012. No one told my family. He was one of my dad’s closest friend when they were young. He gave me my first camera (along with a few red pouches). My brother was just a wee bit envious because his godfather never gave him anything. So my brother made up a picket sign demanding a new godfather. Over time with illnesses hounding both my dad and my godfather, they just drifted apart. Neither of them used email or regular mail. Even the phone calls became scarcer as my godfather’s hearing became impaired.
Then I thought about my online friends that I’ve developed on Xanga. If something happened to me, none of you would find out about it. None of you would know who to call if my blog becomes inactive for a long period of time. The opposite would probably be true too. Then I wondered, why it was easier for me to find acceptance here. Well – it’s easy to hide my faults when I am very careful how I present myself here. You just see my good side. When I talk about my faults, I usually minimize or trivialize them. Would you accept me if you got to know me in real life? The optimistic part of me remains hopeful. But the fact is, my circle of friends really are really online. If I’m not online, then it’s harder to maintain that thin, ephemeral thread of relationship here.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I keep thinking a lot of you have an extensive network of close friends to lean on. But I know that isn’t necessarily true for everyone. Maybe there are more changes I need in my life.