I really should keep up with my blogging. Life just gets in the way sometimes. I haven’t responded to a lot of comments but thank you to all of you.
Many of you are wiser than I am. Perhaps you can share your insights and perspective.
1. Some people seem to have an easier life than others? They seem to have an easier time making friends, being wealthy, better family life, good looks, more friends, etc… But for others, it’s a one day at a time existence; life is a struggle and one has to work hard to get what you need. It can even be lonely. What advice would you give others who are part of the latter group?
2. How do you stay positive and not give up when life can be so unfair? How do you stay strong? How do you keep your dreams alive?
3. Adversity in life can make someone stronger. Do you agree or disagree and why?
4. Where do you draw inspiration and hope from?
I found out the other day that my god father passed away in 2012. No one told my family. He was one of my dad’s closest friend when they were young. He gave me my first camera (along with a few red pouches). My brother was just a wee bit envious because his godfather never gave him anything. So my brother made up a picket sign demanding a new godfather. Over time with illnesses hounding both my dad and my godfather, they just drifted apart. Neither of them used email or regular mail. Even the phone calls became scarcer as my godfather’s hearing became impaired.
Then I thought about my online friends that I’ve developed on Xanga. If something happened to me, none of you would find out about it. None of you would know who to call if my blog becomes inactive for a long period of time. The opposite would probably be true too. Then I wondered, why it was easier for me to find acceptance here. Well – it’s easy to hide my faults when I am very careful how I present myself here. You just see my good side. When I talk about my faults, I usually minimize or trivialize them. Would you accept me if you got to know me in real life? The optimistic part of me remains hopeful. But the fact is, my circle of friends really are really online. If I’m not online, then it’s harder to maintain that thin, ephemeral thread of relationship here.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I keep thinking a lot of you have an extensive network of close friends to lean on. But I know that isn’t necessarily true for everyone. Maybe there are more changes I need in my life.
My dad’s funeral came and went. My siblings kept it light rather than dark and somber. I made it through my speech as did my siblings. We all sprinkled some humour in our speeches. None of us consulted each other on what we were going to say. I hugged and kissed people I didn’t know. Small talk, as expected, dominated most of the visitation and the reception afterwards. I haven’t cried during this time. I was like that at my mom’s funeral too. Maybe it’s just my way of coping. I’m more relieved that dad’s illness is finally over and he is free from the pain. I also felt a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I know that sounds selfish but it’s true.
A few days ago, I started to check on work as I’ve been away. I could feel this veil of gloom and despair closing in on me. My mood changed and the contrast was too much for me to handle. My stomach started to churn. I had to stop for a moment and then slowly resume. The time off for my dad’s funeral coupled with Christmas break actually helped. I knew work was strangling me and I was feeling miserable. Now that I don’t have to worry about dad,
maybe it’s time I do something about it rather than keep writing about the need to change. Change will not be easy.